Short answer: What helps you survive infidelity is not a hasty decision but an honest pause. In the first days it matters to look after yourself and not make irreversible decisions at the peak of pain. Saving the relationship makes sense if your partner takes responsibility, ends the affair and is ready to rebuild trust through actions. If he blames you or keeps lying, forgiveness turns into self-betrayal.

Infidelity destroys more than trust in a man. It hits the deepest place: the feeling that "I am OK". That is why it leaves so many questions about yourself: what is wrong with me, what am I lacking, why did I not notice.

Let us look at how to go through this while keeping yourself, and how to make a decision you will not regret.

At the peak of pain the psyche runs in threat mode. In that moment we tend either to cut everything off instantly or to forgive just as instantly so the pain stops. Both decisions often turn out not to be yours.

What really helps:

• sleep, eat and move, even when you have to force yourself;
• choose one or two people you can talk to honestly;
• postpone serious decisions for at least a few weeks if you are not in danger;
• allow yourself every feeling: anger, despair, relief, confusion. They are all normal.

"I was not pretty enough, attentive enough, interesting enough." I know this script very well. Self-blame gives an illusion of control: if it is my fault, I can fix everything.

But a relationship can go through a crisis, and two people are responsible for that. The decision to cheat instead of talking about the crisis is made by one person.

As a criminal psychologist I look at behaviour after the affair. It says more about the future than any vows. There is a chance if your partner:

• admits his responsibility and does not shift it onto you;
• ends the affair completely, with no "we are just friends";
• can bear your feelings and does not demand that you "get over it" quickly;
• is ready for transparency and possibly for work with a psychologist.

Warning signs: he blames you, downplays what happened, keeps lying about small things or gets angry that you are "taking too long".

Ask yourself three questions:

1. Do I want to keep this particular man, or am I afraid of being alone and of change?
2. If I knew I would cope on my own, what would I choose?
3. How will I feel in a year if I stay? And if I leave?

The answers are rarely simple. But they are yours.

In a session we separate your pain from your decision. We look at the relationship pattern that led to the crisis, what was happening to you long before the affair and what you really want. If you decide to stay, we build a plan to rebuild trust. If you leave, we build your inner support so this experience does not repeat in your next relationship.

Yes, if both are willing to work. Trust is rebuilt not with words but with a long sequence of actions. It usually takes from a few months to a year.

It is important to know the facts, but diving into details often only hurts more. Ask yourself which answer will actually help you decide.

This is a common defence of the psyche: if it is my fault, then I can control everything. But responsibility for the choice to cheat lies with the person who made it.

Recognised your situation? In-depth session online, or a written consultation in English, $130. Book on Telegram

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