Short answer: If after talking to your mother you feel guilty and become a little girl again, the relationship is stuck in a parent and child model. You can set boundaries without breaking off: speak about your feelings calmly and briefly, do not justify yourself, decide in advance which topics you discuss and stop waiting for your mother to change first.

You are thirty, forty, fifty. You lead people, raise children and make serious decisions. But one call from your mother and you are small, guilty and "not right" again.

This is one of the most common topics in my sessions. And one of the most painful, because you cannot simply "leave" your mother.

Inside each of us lives a child for whom a mother's acceptance matters. If in childhood it was conditional ("I love you when you are good"), the adult woman keeps unconsciously trying to earn it.

And a mother often communicates the way she knows how. Her criticism and anxiety are often passed down the female line: she was raised the same way. This is not an excuse, but it helps you stop hearing every word of hers as a verdict on your worth.

• you "prepare" for a conversation as if for an exam;
• you do not tell her everything, to avoid criticism;
• after you meet you are left with guilt, tiredness or irritation;
• her opinion weighs more for you than your own;
• you feel responsible for her mood.

1. Decide what is unacceptable for you. Comments on your looks? Advice on raising your children? Discussing your husband? You do not have to talk about everything.
2. Speak briefly and about yourself. "Mum, I don't like it when you talk about my weight. Let's talk about something else." No long explanations or excuses.
3. Repeat calmly. A boundary gets tested. It will most likely be crossed again, and your job is not to get angry but to calmly repeat it.
4. End the conversation if you need to. "I am going to finish the call now, let's talk tomorrow." This is not rudeness, it is self-care.
5. Stop waiting for her to change first. The one who has become aware is the one who changes. And very often, when the daughter changes, the mother gradually changes too.

The model we live out with our mother carries over to a partner, a boss and even our own children. A woman who cannot say "no" to her mother often cannot say it to her husband or her manager.

That is why working on your relationship with your mother often becomes the key to every other area. In a session we find the family pattern passed down the line and learn to talk to your mother as an adult: without war and without submission.

Her reaction may be painful, especially at first. But a boundary stated calmly and respectfully is not aggression. Over time many mothers get used to the new rules.

Boundaries do not get in the way of love and care. On the contrary, they help you be warmer with each other, without built-up resentment.

The need for a parent's acceptance runs very deep. The adult task is to learn to give yourself that acceptance without giving up the relationship with your mother.

Recognised your situation? In-depth session online, or a written consultation in English, $130. Book on Telegram

Читать по-русски